CSULB Library, Long Beach, CA, USA

I've been home for nearly two weeks now and I think that I've thought about Tanzania every day since my return. It's been surprisingly difficult readjusting. I've found myself a little unsettled - in a funk that I just can't seem to explain. I feel more restless than ever. I've found myself feeling a little bored and unmotivated at times. It's like running on a treadmill... I don't really want to keep up the monotonous toiling, but I keep pace because the only other choice is to fall off the machine (although one could argue for just pushing the big red "stop" button). I'm also frustrated with the pace of my life. I'm amazed how quickly I was back to the usual hectic routine of the semester. I'm struggling to find the sense of balance that I had while on my trip. I was right when I predicted that I'd probably never look at my life in the same way.

I'm even more uncertain of my feelings today. I received an emailing congratulating me on my acceptance into the MPH program at UC Berkeley. I don't think I experienced the emotions that I expected. Perhaps I am still in shock. For months (well maybe all of my life) I have been eagerly looking towards the next step. I have felt so restless and ready to embark on the next adventure - ready to feel more capable of making a difference. So, I was surprised when I received this news with hesitation. What do you do when everything you've wanted is placed right into your hands? How do you accept that there is no need for contingency plans - plan A is a "go"? I have been so in love with the fantasy of the future (and when in a new environment, I thrived), but I'm not sure anyone is ever prepared for the reality of taking the next big leap. I guess all you can do is jump off the cliff and free-fall, trusting that you'll land on your feet when you arrive at your next destination.

Tanzania was truly one grand adventure for me. I learned so much about myself. I found strength that I didn't know I had and realized that I've become a very capable and independent woman. I can't help but sit here with this tingly feeling rising up inside of me - I am about to embark on another big adventure. I think the hesitation that I originally felt is being replaced with excitement. I realize that I am ready to take on this new challenge. I feel like this trip to Tanzania was just to give me a taste of what my future holds.

En route to LAX (somewhere over Vegas, maybe)

We're just about home. I'm actually getting used to these long flights. I thought that would be a difficult part of the trip for me, but after I got through the very first four-hour flight to Detroit, I was fine. I've been catching up on movies I hadn't seen. I almost didn't get on the flight back though. I think I jinxed myself by saying I wasn't ready to leave because when we got to the airport, I was the only person in our group that wasn't listed on the flight. I did end up getting on though, so no adventure getting stuck in Tanzania... hehe.

We had a little bit of time during our layover in Amsterdam, so we took the train to the city centre and walked around a bit. There wasn't enough time to visit a museum, but we did have a chance to get some hot cocoa and a little snack. Such beautiful buildings there! That was my first time in Europe. I'll have to go back and spend some time there. As we were wiating for our flight to LAX, I ran into my biochem professor, Dr. Weers. What a small world! He had been in Holland visiting family (that's where he's from originally) and was on the same flight as us. Crazy...

This trip has been full of surprises. I still don't know if I'm 100% ready to come back, but there is a lot of work to be done at home. We have some major issues to work our with our travel agent and I need to work on the final assignments for this class and finish the last of my grad school applications. It'll be nice to nurse my sunburn and other ailments (which reminds me that I forgot to take my last dose of Cipro and Malarone). I hope someone will be there to pick me up when we get to LAX! :)

En route to Stone Town, Zanzibar

Some thoughts on Tanzania:

- As you drive through the villages, there is a very distinct scent of burning brush. I have only smelled fires like this in Tanzania. It's one of those odors that is so unique that I know it will be a powerful trigger of memory.

- I am struck by the contrasting images I have seen here. We left a walled-in beach resort paradise and just outside the gate is a village like any other in Tanzania - half-finished brick dwellings, crude shacks for homes, clothes hanging to dry outside in the sun, while a cooking fire burns with an African woman standing over it. Then there are the hospitals - private clinics, well-stocked with staff and supplies, but empty of patients in stark contrast to public hospitals with no doctor to be found, but crowds of people scattered about the medical compound. I noticed a contrast again between the CDC-run HIV care clinic with their organized files, and the rest of the public hospital campus on which it is located - its file room a pile of boxes with files that are falling apart and its wards that are dilapitated and dingy.

- The locals shout "Jambo! Jambo!" and "Karibu!" to us, but I wonder what they are saying to each other when my limited Swahili prevents me from keeping up with their conversation. I wonder how they really feel about American tourists.

- It seems like Obama is everywhere here. Our new president is on kangas, on posters, and in conversation all of the time. When we say we are from America, the locals say "Obama country!" The world is full of such hope right now, and so supportive of our new leader. I really hope that we don't disappoint our brothers and sisters around the globe. It would be nice if the United States could serve as a beacon of hope, because it seems like the world is falling apart at the seams and we need a light to guide us out of the wreckage.

Amaan Bungalows, Kendwa, Zanzibar

Today we begin the long journey back to the States. First, we have a 1 1/2 hour drive back to Stone Town and then the 2 1/2 hour ferry to Dar es Salaam. We'll fly to Amsterdam from the Dar es Salaam Airport, have a 6 hour layover where we can venture out into the city, then an 11 hour flight back to LAX. I made sure to pack mittens and a hat for Amsterdam and ginger root for the ferry. Turns out that ginger really works to settle your stomach.

I'm not sure how I feel about going home. I know it'll be nice to return to comfort and I'm actually quite ill at this point, but I have so enjoyed who I am when I'm pushed out of my comfort zone. I really surprised myself on this trip. I wasn't quite sure that I had what it takes to be a world traveler, but now I know that I can handle pretty much anything. I was actually surprised that I felt so good for so long. It's only been the last few days that I was feeling back and I had to finaly start on Cipro last night. I'm also pretty sunburned.

Yesterday was an incredible day, but the sun is fierce, especially when reflecting off of the water, and I got pretty fried despite the sunscreen. We went out to go snorkeling yesterday. It was so cool. We were on a small wooden boat called the "Prince" with a crew of four African sailors. I was amazed at the skill and strength they had in sailing this boat that lacked all of the technical advantages of these hig-tech modern sail boats. We were a little concerned when we looked out from the shore and saw a man bailing water out of the vessel they said we'd be on, but it turned out to be really neat. The boat was pretty much all wodd and rope, with some holes drilled through beams and only two wooden pulleys. The crew had to use pretty much their whole bodies to hoist up the sails. I'll refrain from turning this into a romance novel, but I will admit that one in particular looked very good while doing all that hoisting. Haha :) We sailed about an hour and a half our to the reef where we dove from the top of the boat (which was extremely fun), and snorkeled for a half hour or so. While we swam, the crew made lunch. I watched them clean, cut, and prepare the fish on the way out and they barbequed it right on the boat. Lunch was postponed a little bit though because poor Alex got stung really badly by a jellyfish on the way back to the boat. We were really worried about him, but he's doing okay now. They stopped at a nearby island and had Gina take him to get some medical advice. While they were gone, the crew assured me that he's be just fine and gave me a plate of food to eat. It was pretty darn good. I've actually gotten a lot of cooking tips on our trip to Tanzania. We went straight back to our resort so Alex could rest. I was really impressed with how well he held himself together because he was in A LOT of pain. That jelly got him good.

It really has felt a little like paradise here on the beach with the clear, warm water, but I think I've had my fill of sun and holiday. I wouldn't mind seeing more of how people in Zanzibar and Tanzania really live and the health concerns, but I've found that I can only take so much vacation. I need to feel of use, I guess.

Amaan Bungalows, Kendwa, Zanzibar

So we have definitely hit the "tourist on holiday" portion of the trip. I am sitting in a chair made of bent branches on the porch outside our room, looking out at palm trees surrounding little bungalows with thatched roofs, as the evening breeze blows gently from the ocean.

I was actually able to attend church this morning in Stone Town. Tina and Lacey went back with me to the Anglican church built at the site of the old slave market. It felt so good to sing old hymns and speak aloud about praise and commitment to God in a room filled with other Christians. They're scare on the island of Zanzibar, a mostly Muslim area. Christians and Muslims seem to live peacefully together here, but for a moment I thought twice about wearing my cross necklace while in Zanzibar. I stand out enough as a white woman without a hijab and I'm not sure it's always safe to flaunt "otherness", but I am proud of my faith and comforted by it. So the necklace stayed on and everything seeemed to be okay.

After church we went to the big market and bought spices, coffee, and mangoes. I LOVE the mangoes here. I didn't eat any breakfast because I'm still having GI problems (I figured it was bound to happen at some point), so that mango was much appreciated after walking around Stone Town all morning.

At noon (well 12:00... they don't have "noon" here... haha) we left for the other side of the island. We arrived at a beach resort and spent the day getting our fill of surf and sun. The Indian Ocean is beautiful. The water here is so clear and clean. Lacey and I swam out to where some boats were anchored in the distance. My body was definitely saying "thank you" for the nice opportunity to work and stretch my muscles.

I am so conflicted about this part of the trip. Despite our day at the IAVC, I feel like I haven't been able to get a sense of life for the people who live in Zanzibar. All I know is that 90% of them seem very happy to welcome tourists (and the income they bring in) shouting "Jambo!" and "Karibuni!" as we walk by. I jokingly thought to myself while in the shower earlier that this must be the cause of the water shortage in Africa - all the water is used to provide Westerners withe shower and flush toilets in the hotels. I know that this is a complex issue with many causes, but I can't help but be conscious of the fact that, despite my conservation efforts, my 3-5 minute shower uses as much water as many Africans use in a whole day for all of their activities. I don't think that I'll ever look at my life and my experience in this world as a white, middle-class, American woman in the same way again.

I realized as I was listening to some of my favorite worship music that my faith has become increasingly important to me on this trip. It seems strange for someone who had turned away from the Church for so many years. I feel my relationship with God growing so much stronger. I think it's because I've had to depend on it so much more. I'm away from my home, away from everything familiar - all that I have to tie me to my life in the U.S., I carry in my heart. Away from everything that I might use to define who I am, I have to define myself by what's deep inside of me - the part of me that is strongest, most consistent, unchanging even when everything around me is changing constantly. I thought that it was interesting that I had found it difficult to worship in a traditional setting since starting at Halogen. I haven't been able to get that same sense of vulnerability and intimacy. But, I didn't have that problem this morning. I was so moved emotionally and felt like I was just sitting there, talking to God. I thought about why that was and I think it was because that's all I had. It didn't matter what music we snad or the language used or the format of the service. I just needed to worship with other people. I needed to affirm my faith in the presence of more than my own heart. And, I realized that it's my own heart that is what makes it a genuine experience. All I need is to carry God in my heart. He resides in everything, in any church building, because He is always with me, " residing in me, as me". I can't remember where I got that quote, but I've always loved it. "God resides in us, as us." Not only does it tell me that I am never alone, but also that I am enough. God is with us as we are at this very moment, as imperfect as that may be. I really felt tugged by God to be here and I feel like this is only the beginning of the purpose I am meant to use my life for. I am so happy for this passionate, loving, and adventurous heart that I have been given. It is what drives me. It is what defines me. I don't think I have often been able to see much goodness or worth in myself, but in this moment, I can honestly say that I have so much love for myself. I feel like I appreciate both my strengths and faults. It is good to be able to see yourself as God sees you. I feel like this whole trip I have been praying a silent but fervent prayer for Him to allow my eyes to see the world as He sees it. It's like my favorite Brandon Heath song. I want to see the beauty in my world and the people in it, but also be able to see the suffering and have the strength to do what I can to alleviate it in some small way.

Safari Lodge, Stone Town, Zanzibar

So yesterday, once we got to Zanzibar, we set off for the Integral Assistance for Vulnerable Children (IAVC). They are in dire need of financial support. In the building that they rent, there are two desks with chairs and one computer. They offer breakfast for the children, but no longer have the means to provide other meals except on rare occassions. They can no longer house the children they serve, so they live with relatives and pop into the center when they are able to provide services. The children have to apply to the program and they can only shoode the neediest to accept. They currently have 30 boys (6 who are HIV+) and 36 girls (8 who are HIV+). Many are orphans or street children. We brought them a laptop computer, digital camera, and toys for the children. We sat and colored and talked with the kids (which is not easy when most speak only Swahili), while a female staff member went to purchase food for us to prepare. We paired off with the kids and I sat with a shy 13-year old girl names Tatu. At first I thought she wouldn't talk to me, but then she began drawing me a sort of picture dictionary, teaching me more Swahili words. Then, I joined her and a few other girls (along with our professors) in preparing the meal. We had limited tools, so my pocket knife came in handing (for about the hundreth time on this trip). I cut vegetables for about two hours. The girls were laughing at me as we cut onions and tomatoes for the salad because I couldn't get the slices very thin with my knife. A lot of people in our group were feeling sick from the ferry and not eating all day, so we left before the meal was completely finished.

I think that many people are ready to go home, but I could stay here for another year I think. :) It was a pretty rough morning for most, but it was such an incredible experience to just sit around a pot with these young girls doing something so orniary - something that is done in any culture I can think of. Women and girls bond around the ritual of cooking a meal, sharing stories and traditions. I felt so honored to be allowed to participate in that with them.

After leaving the IAVC, we went back to our hotel (no roaches to be seen so far... haha), and then explored the city. Lacey and I found an internet cafe, thanks to the gentlemant that served as our guide, and then found our way to the Pagoda Chinese Restaurant, where our professors and their husbands joined us. The food was delicious, although two of us are experience "GI quickness" this morning. We passed by so many beautiful building and some interesting boutiques that we intend to explore later. I'm hoping that we'll go to a reggae show that is happening tonight. One of the men we passed on the street was telling me about it.

Safari Lodge, Stone Town, Zanzibar

As we got off the ferry today, the tourist information guy said, "You have arrived in paradise"... and boy, he wasn't joking. I'm not sure I'll be able to leave this place. It is like a whole other world from the mainland of Tanzania. It definitely caters to tourists and they are used to seeing (and making a living off of) Europeans, Australians, and Americans. I can't get over how friendly everyone is here. Even the children are not shy at all. They run down the narrow streets yelling, greeting us, and giving us high fives. There's always someone willing to give you directions (and even walk you all the way to your destination), and everyone you pass will say "hi". A young woman, soaking wet from a swim in the Indian Ocean, came up to me wanting to chat and to take a picture of us together on my camera. The buildings are absolutely beautiful, the nightlife is sizzling, and the stars that come out after dark are absolutely breathtaking. Across from our hotel is a woodworking shop and we enjoy chatting with the med as they work.

Getting here was not so easy. Many people in our group got extremely sick on the ferry, due to the rough waters. We spent a long day at the Integral Assistance for Vulnerable Children (IAVC) and many in our group were too tired and sick to even leave the hotel and see the town this evening. I'm too tired to write about out day, so my summary will have to wait until morning.